Surrender Your Sensations

The cold breeze of the wind and the darkness of the night wrapped around me as I stood at the edge of the rooftop. I held on tightly to the railings that reached high up to my waist. The railing was the only hindrance I had to not take a step foot forward and fall from this tall height.

I didn’t know how many hours I’d been here on the rooftop of my dorm building, standing and  watching the people below me, busy with their lives. As soon as I came from the hospital, I went straight here.

From this height, it was easy to see how people tried so hard in living this life. Everything was fast-paced and everyone was trying not to get left behind. That’s how normal life works; it’s about worrying how to keep up in this fast-paced world.

My grip tightened on the rooftop railings at the same time as the anger I was feeling intensified. I was already delayed in my life because of my cancer. The people I was with when I started had left me behind. I had missed too many opportunities because of that disease.

And now, I am in almost the same situation again?

How should I carry on with my life if the biopsy results of my tumor turned out to be cancerous?

I was trying to keep up, wasn’t I? Even though my blockmates were graduating now, I still tried to disregard the shame of being late and went back to school. Even though I failed to participate in the national debate two years ago, here I was, trying to get the same opportunity again and have a better ending.

Why did things have to go this way when I just started to feel alive and happy again?

How do I deal with cancer again?

I looked up to the dark night sky- ‘ Are you watching me up there, Mom?’

They said when people died, they became stars at night. If my mother was one of the stars in the sky tonight, then I had to be strong. I didn’t want her to worry about me from up there.

So, I forced a smile. “I’m happy, Ma. I’m happy.” I heaved a deep sigh, closing my eyes to prevent the tears from falling. “I was so happy. Everything seemed to be going according to my bidding. I’m just starting to live my life, to achieve my dreams- but why does it seem like it’s happening again? Why am I here again in the same tragic and hopeless situation?”

When things become easy and you’re happy, the next thing that would happen were difficulties, sadness, and pain. I guess that’s how unfair life was and humans had no other option but to accept such destiny.

“AHHHHHH!”

Was it okay for me to shout in the middle of the night?

“AHHHHHH FUCK THIS BULLSHIT!!”

Was it okay for me to curse this life?

“I’M AFRAID!” Was it okay for me to admit it, that I was scared … And lost? “HELP ME! H-HELP-” Tears burst out and my lips quivered, “I-I need help. Shit. I’m so scared! I’m scared… I’m scared.”

My legs gave up. I fell on the floor of the rooftop. I covered my face. My sobs grew louder and my shoulders shook as I buried my face on my folded knees. I was crouching down in fear like a lost child.

“Mama … Mama … Why am I always suffering? W-Why … Why me?”

I cried my heart out- that’s the only thing I could do to address the fear, frustrations, and anger that were bottling up inside me.

***

After almost an hour of staying on the rooftop, I returned to my room. It’s past midnight and my heart felt a little lighter after having a good cry.

“Where have you been, Meredith Kaye?”

That familiar husky and deep voice.

Rupert stood up from sitting in front of my room’s door. He was carrying a bag and he was still wearing the same clothes he had earlier when he went here unannounced. I think he went straight here after his exam?

He strides towards me and I was about to take a step backwards when he grabbed my arm and pulled me for a hug.

“R-Rupert …”

“I’m worried. You’re not answering my call. It’s past twelve o’clock midnight, Meredith. Where were you?”

I bit my bottom lip. I suddenly remembered the conversation we had earlier; I promised him that I would tell him everything about the check-up today.

Should I? Should he still know that?

“I was on the rooftop. Just … Just trying to get some air,” I answered nonchalantly before pulling off of our hug. “What are you doing here?”

“I told you earlier, didn’t I? I am here to fetch you,” he said directly which made me stunned, “I think I am waiting for you for almost three hours now. I came about 9 PM but you’re nowhere to be found. What are you doing on the rooftop?”

“Just getting some air.” Then I averted my eyes from him. I passed him and headed for the door of my dorm. I was about to open it when Rupert grabbed my hand from behind.

“Was there a bad result in your check-up? How was it?”

I took a deep breath before facing him again. “How was your exam earlier?” I changed the subject immediately. The pain in me was hidden by a fake smile. “I told you to perfect it, didn’t I?”Contentt bel0ngs to N0ve/lDrâ/ma.O(r)g!

He slowly smiled at me before taking something out of his pocket. He gave me a folded paper.

I could sense the pride and happiness in him as I took the paper. This time, my smile turned real.

“I told you, my exam earlier was just basic to me. You too.” Then, he held out his right hand, like asking for something. I knew what he was referring to but I chose to play clueless.

“What? What about me?” Then, I turned around and put the key to my doorknob.

“Your checkup results. I need to see them, Meredith.”

I went into my room and Rupert followed. I went straight to my desk and obtained my yellow envelope.

“Why do you even need to know my results? It’s not your business anyway,” I said, getting the papers from the envelope before I turned to Rupert again. But I gasped in shock when he greeted me with a kiss on the lips.

It was a short torrid kiss- and the next thing I knew, my back was pressed against my cabinet’s door. Rupert was staring at me intently and the small distance between our lips made me breathless.

“Did you cry?” I was stunned by his question. He tucked a loose strand of my hair before rubbing his nose on mine. “Did something bad happen today? Your eyes are swollen. Did you cry, Sweetie?”

My grip on the paper tightened as my eyes closed when Rupert kissed my lips again. I wanted to break down again because Rupert was so good at making me feel that I could be vulnerable in front of him. But I stopped myself.

I responded to his kiss with the same ferocity. I felt his arms wrapped around my waist as our kiss deepened. “Uhmn …” I felt him push me to the cabinet’s door and then his hands cupped my behind, pulling my body upwards as if he wanted to carry me.

So, I lifted myself and wrapped my legs around his waist. He carried me, my back was pressed against the cabinet’s door while Rupert was sucking the breath out of me as his tongue explored every insides of my mouth. His hands held both of my thighs, securing my position.

He ended the long and deep kiss, “Uhmn … Tell me everything,” raining little kisses on my cheek and jaw, “is everything okay, Meredith?”

I forced a smile and nodded. Nothing is certain yet- so, I decided to not tell him for now.

Earlier, after crying, I chose to not think about the possibility that my cancer would come back. I decided to be happy for the time being- until the biopsy results came- which would be two days from now.

For those two days, I would devote myself to do the things I had to and enjoy what I have with Rupert.

“Here are the results of my tests today,” I pressed the papers on my hand to his chest, “And I can’t join you at your condo tonight because I need to read articles for my debate assignment.”

He lowered me to the floor then took the paper I had given him. Those were tampered results I asked Bailey to get for me earlier. I decided not to tell Rupert. I didn’t want him to include me in his worries. He didn’t have to.

“Debate? When is that competition by the way?” he asked, sitting on my bed while looking at the papers in his hand.

“It’s just a few days from now. And the team is desperate to win the regionals so we can advance to the nationals. Especially me. I want this so bad. You know, I was delayed for two years to do this,” I said before sitting down at my desk and picking up the articles I needed to read.

“There’s really no stopping you from that debate. You really want it.”

I was stunned before smiling. I really wanted this- “There’s no stopping me this time, Rupert. I’ll get it no matter what.”

“And I admire you for that determination, Meredith.”

I looked at him for a moment because of what he said. I raised an eyebrow when I saw him lying on my bed reading the papers I had given him. “Don’t tell me you’re gonna stay the night here?”

“Yup. That’s the only way I can be with you tonight. So,” he looked at me, “focus on whatever you’re doing. Don’t mind me. I won’t bother you. I’ll wait for you to finish that and then we can sleep together. ”

I shook my head at his plan. I nodded afterwards before turning my attention back to the articles I had to read.

Cancerous or not, the lump in my chest would not be the reason to stop me from seizing this opportunity. I would get that national debate competition- even if it means delaying my treatment.

I found myself getting lost in what I was reading, taking down all the important points from the articles and practicing in my mind on how I should deliver it if I was inside the debate room. I didn’t notice the time and I didn’t pay attention to what Rupert was doing in my room.

He took a bath and then he laid on my bed. After a few minutes, he looked at the papers I had to read and then told me that I was amazing at reading those papers without getting distracted. He returned to my bed and busied himself on his phone and then on his lecture notes. The last time I checked on him, he was also busy studying.

But when the alarm I set before starting to read finally rang, it’s already three AM.

I looked at Rupert and he was already asleep on my bed. I smiled before finally getting up from my seat. I also yawned because of the drowsiness I suddenly felt.

When I finally got my things on the table in order, I washed my face and changed my clothes before I lay beside Rupert. The bed was too small for both of us, but Rupert did great on improvisation. He laid me on top of him and leaned my head on his chest.

“What time is it?” He asked, groggily. I felt his arms possessively wrapped around my waist. His eyes were fluttering, trying to open them but he was too sleepy to successfully do it.

I buried my face on his neck and hugged him back. I closed my tired eyes and sleep started consuming me. “Let’s sleep, Rupert. I’m tired.”

“Okay … You can rest when you’re with me, Sweetie.”

He softly caressed my back as if he was trying to make me sleep. It was effective. I dozed off to sleep … Feeling comfortable and assured because of Rupert.

I really had it bad, I guess.

I think … I am starting to really constantly crave for his presence and willingly depend on him when times become rough.