How to Honeymoon Alone

“I like it like this, when it’s rare and special. And I like that I’ve been here long enough to become someone else.” I turn to look at the man beside me. Strong profile. Arms outstretched behind him, propping him up. “I don’t want to lose this entirely when I go back home.”

His blue eyes shift to me. “Lose what?”

“My vacation self.”

“Ah. Well, you can carry her with you pretty easily.”

“I’ll try. Because the person I am right now… it’s such an upgrade from who I’ve been the past few months.”

His lips tip into the frown similar to one he’d worn during our first days of vacationing together. “Because of the dipshit?”This content belongs to Nô/velDra/ma.Org .

“Yeah,” I say. “Sorry. We don’t need to talk about our exes.”

“We can talk about whatever you’d like,” he says. “I believe I’m the one who brought up avian genitalia earlier, so you have a free pass for eternity.”

I brush my shoulder against his. “I’ll never let you live that down.”

“I expect nothing less from you. But you can tell me. It was rough after you found out about…?”

“Yes. All our friends knew, my entire family. It took me a few weeks before I felt ready to have all of the conversations, you know. Anyway. I like who I’ve become here, on this island. Free-spirited and adventurous, and not so hung up on the past.”

“Mm-hmm,” he says. “You are probably more like this than you realize when you’re back home.”

“You think?”

Phillip’s eyes slide from the ocean to me. “Yes. You’re a planner and a hopeless optimist. You like talking to strangers and you’re curious. You strive to do a good job, and you’re a little afraid of messing up.”

“That’s… a pretty good assessment.”

“I pay attention,” he says.

The sea is rougher on this side of the island. Without the natural buffer provided by the island from the open Atlantic Ocean, the waves on this coast are higher, and the water looks darker.

It’s beautiful.

“Do you still love him?” Phillip asks.

The words hang between us in the warm afternoon air. I take my time answering because I know this is important. Getting this right.

“I don’t think so,” I say. “But who knows when love really fades, you know? It’s not like a switch. Right now, I still hate him a bit for what he did. And hate is not the opposite of love. That’s indifference, and I’m not indifferent to him. Not yet.”

“I wonder if you ever will be,” Phillip says, “considering what he did.”

I wrap my arms around my knees. “I’m almost angrier over him doing it with my best friend. Because he chose someone who’d otherwise be my friend for life. Him… well. We weren’t always the most compatible. I loved the idea of us more than those differences, but now they seem pretty stark.”

“Yeah, I can empathize.”

I turn to look at him. “Do you still love her?”

He sighs and looks back out toward the waves. “You’re going to judge me.”

“I really don’t think I will, Phillip. I’m not sure I can anymore.”

“Hmm. Well, I don’t think I ever really loved her.”

My eyes widen. “Oh.”

He sits up straighter, brows drawn together. “Not that I didn’t care for her. Of course, I did. I thought I loved her. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have proposed.”

“Sensible,” I say, and he shoots me a look that’s amused and dry in equal measure.

“Yeah. But we didn’t have a lot in common, and I’ve realized since the… non-wedding, as you called it once, that we never really spoke. Not properly, not deeply. Not about everything and anything.”

“That’s important,” I say softly. I’m finding the exact same thing was true for Caleb and me.

“It is.” He runs a hand over the back of his neck. “We had similar goals in life, and I think we both saw the other as fitting into those goals. In a way, it was almost more of a relationship of convenience.”

I dig my teeth into my lower lip. “Did you enjoy it? When you were in it?”

“I thought I did. It was fitting.” He looks down, dark lashes fanning over a tanned cheek. “She cheated about a year ago.”

My eyebrows shoot up. “Really?”

“Yeah, with an ex-boyfriend who was back in town one weekend. And you know, I wasn’t hurt as much as annoyed. She apologized, promised it wouldn’t happen again, and I… accepted that.”

“That was very generous of you.”

“Maybe. But now, I think my lack of care was probably a big red flag. For myself, I mean. I’m more irate at your dipshit of an ex for cheating on you than I am at my own.”

“Yeah. I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay with it. I mean, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t.”

“Which is probably the right reaction.” He runs a hand along his jaw. “I worked too much before this trip.”

“Mm-hmm. I suspected.”

“I really like my job, though. But if I had a relationship that truly matters, that’s right… I don’t think I’d make the same prioritization.”

I can’t look away from his eyes. “That’s probably true.”

He leans back, locking his hands behind his head, and looks up at the sky. “That was a damn long answer.”

I chuckle and lie down beside him. The sand is warm beneath me, and I’m sure it’s getting in my hair and my clothes, but I don’t care one bit. “Yeah. But it was a good one.”

We lie there for a long time. I savor his words and let them linger in my mind.

After a while, he turns onto his side. I look over and meet his gaze.

“Hi,” he says.