An Italian’s Escort Lover

Phoebe Point of View

Tears and smile… they are like two sides of one coin. Sometimes it is pretty confusing as to why you tear up when you are happy and smile when you are melancholic.

There is something wrong with both these words. How come I am smiling when I am telling my side of the sad story? I should be crying eye full but then again, I had cried and experienced so much pain already and maybe that’s why even I seem wry about the whole situation.

The amount of grief I saw in Nicco’s eyes for me was enough to say how much he cares for me. When he gave me the paper slip of websites, that moment, I was relatively shocked to see how much attention he really pays to me despite of being in the company of a beautiful girl.

He touched my heart when he provided the solution, which caused me to cry in the first place. No words, no eye contact, no gestures; still he read me like an open book. It was as if he can interpret me in any condition no matter what.

But his grandmother was totally a different case. I still don’t understand what to take her reaction for. She was a very kind woman but she is also who doesn’t express her inner thoughts on her face. Her eyes did tell me that she empathetic towards me and that she was following what I’m saying but on the other hand, her expressionless face is terrifying too.

Am I doing the right thing by confessing my feelings?

“Ah, what a good life! She was saved from the escort house and was loved by the Prince Charming who can do anything for me. Really a good turn of life; to the people who sees it from afar. But for her, it was a good life which was eating her alive. The Prince charming part was absolutely true but the damsel in distress dared to fall in love with the person who kindly saved her. If she lacked something, she should at least have some other quality to compensate it with, but she had nothing prominent. She had no family to take support from, she had no good background to feel good about, she had no enough education to live, she had no money to survive. The only thing she had was a heart which felt deeply for him. But what is the use of it?” I said noticing Nicco shaking his head. Contradicting whatever I said. But I did not let him talk in the middle.

It is my time to talk. My time to tell everything I felt and feeling currently. Why I am the way I am right now. I want to explain myself why I restrain myself around him.

“Love happened between the both not so easily. They had to go through many trials and obstacle to learn how to love each other. For few years, they were together, exploring about each other and loving each other a little more than the previous day. But she didn’t feel great despite having the love and affection. She felt as if she was being the reason for his disgrace. At his prime age and with well established career, he should be marry someone who holds her head high with pride and respect, and have babies. The issue that she was being an obstacle in her savior’s life to achieve family and support killed her.”

Nicco’s eyes widened at the confession. Though he a small idea of how I tried to set him up with other women, he had no idea how much I tried for it.

Mrs. Clara’s eyes were moist and her expression softened at what I said while Mrs. Jones was in tears already. I know they may not understand how I felt completely but I just want to make sure that I was heard.

I want to be heard!

“So she started pushing him towards the women who are from good family and can keep him happy. With her, he was always on guard and very protective. He felt the extreme need to protect her and take care of her but in the process; he forgot he needs the same care and protectiveness in return which the girl couldn’t give. And the least she could do to the one whom she loves so much is to give him a well deserved life. And so she started instigating his attention to other women who are capable enough to provide him with the care. There was nothing more painful in the world than sending the person you love into the arms of another woman. It was simply a slow poison but she had to endure it and achieve before her contract with the escort house ends.” A hiccup left my mouth when the tremendous amount of piled up hidden emotions kicked out all at once.

I suppressed everything for so long that I’m getting lightheaded now that I’m spewing it out.

“She was not successful in diverting his attention from her was one thing and slowly the end of her contract was just days away. She laughed and smiled with him but when she was not with him, her only thoughts were to how to deal with the coming situation. Because she has no doubt that even after the contract period ends, he would never leave her. His heart is so warm and kind that he can never leave the person he loved no matter what the conditions are and if she was with him, then he would be doomed in his life, career and in his circle because her. She couldn’t bear the idea of leaving him and never seeing him again but neither could she imagine ruining his life. So gulping down all the pain, she decided to leave him without a notice.”

I saw tears running down Nicco’s face and cursed myself for being the cause of them. I had not given him anything other than pain and tears. I failed in life in so many ways that I rather feel like I can never have a speck of success in anything I do.

“It was a tough decision but she did it. She thought to spend the remaining days with him happily forgetting any regrets and when the time came, she left him leaving a letter for him explaining her point of view. She thought he would be heartbroken and hurt but slowly he would get through with it and probably would hate her. She was ready for it. She accepted his hate and in return wished he choose a girl of his status and marry even it was to spite her for leaving him. She left him but she had nowhere to go to. NO family and no friends so she took a room for temporary accommodation but had to run away from there due to many reasons. But she never expected to meet him in different conditions again. This time, he hated her surely but he was so hurt by her that it made difficult for her to breath. Though he was hurt by her, he was still very considerate which made her want to just run away and hide herself from every person. She was just fed up with everyone and everything.” Narrating, I turned towards Mrs. Clara with a determined look.

“You know what made me speak up today, Mrs. Clara?” I asked to which I did not get any reply from her. She was tearing up and did not reply me making me continue.

“Niccolo asked me something which hit me hard. He asked me if I love myself.” I said with a dry smile.

Nicco walked to me and just took my sitting form into his arms and rubbed my back soothingly. I know he is affected and I am feeling extremely sorry for everything I did but that was how I chose to handle it. There was no right way or wrong way in our relationship it was always that confusing.

“The question hit me hard. Do I love myself? I contemplated so much about it and finally the answer settled in that there is nothing in me to love. The only time when I loved myself was when I was loved by him. My world was so surrounded by him that I never took time to love myself. I never gave a reason to like myself other than the time I was with him. He is my everything and without him I am nothing. I saw no existence in me without his imprint on me.” I mumbled as realization dawned unto me.

Except for the name my parents gave me, what more I have for myself? Why does Nicco love me ever?

I am nothing. I am a hollow shell then how come he ever had feelings for me?

“You asked me why I love you but didn’t want to accept it; my answer is because I realized I don’t love myself. You were right Nicco and I’m very thankful you asked me the question. I don’t find myself important. And the reason I am still not accepting you love for me is because I want to find myself. I want to know who I am and what I’m capable of, Nicco. I want to learn about myself, explore myself and make mistakes to know what my forte is and what is not.” I cried falling down from the chair on the floor on my knees.This text is property of Nô/velD/rama.Org.

This is too much to take and I’m emotionally very exhausted. I felt lightheaded all over again and I’m feeling faint and sleepy.

“I want to give you a solid ground to love me, Nicco.” I murmured and wrenched painfully.

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