A CONTRACT ENGAGEMENT

“It’s none of your business who I hang out with… Or who I let touch me…. I don’t know why you are so concerned, you walked away from me, Julian. You made your choice. What do you expect? That I’m just going to sit around and wait for you? You even told me not to come back to you… Called me selfish… Well, I’m being as selfish as I can be. I don’t see why it should come as a surprise to you since you already knew I was that sort of woman…. As you said and I quote … ‘totally oblivious to anyone’s feelings except mine’. Well, this is me, Julian. Now please leave. I’m tired and I would like to rest ”

He crossed the room in a few strides and before she knew it, she was trapped between him and her table. She forced herself to stare at him, but she could feel that her legs weren’t even steady. Damn. Now those drinks were definitely a bad idea, she thought.

“Please Julian” she said, hating the way she sounded, hating that she sounded like she was begging him. She didn’t want that. She didn’t want him to think that he had any kind of influence whatsoever on her.

“I said what I said because I was hurt,” Julian said. “Because I was angry that you were willing to throw what we had away without giving it any ounce of thought. Right from the beginning, you have always been worried about someone finding out about us, and I was okay with that for a while… Because at least I got to be with you… And I hoped that maybe… somehow, you would see that other people’s opinion didn’t matter… Except what we felt for each other. And when you told me that day that you wanted to end things…. ”

“I never said that, Julian” she said, interrupting him, “I never said that I wanted to end things… I said I wanted to take some kind of break… Lay low for a while for the….”

“I couldn’t do that” he yelled at her, making her wince and try to move back, but the table was in her way and she had nowhere to go.

“I couldn’t just lay low and then wait till you were ready to be with me again. I’m not just some damn toy that you can discard and pick up whenever you want, damn it…. But that was before I read the paper… About the other company”

Nina sucked in a deep breath…. He knew about it now. She knew he would see it, but yet she was still embarrassed. Did she see her differently now? Hate her maybe? Was he disgusted by her? She was scared to find out the answers to those questions.

“Why didn’t you tell me about it?” he asked softly. “Why didn’t you tell me that the reason why were so worried about people finding out about us was because you had already been in a similar position”

She glared at him. “Would it have made any difference if I had told you?” she asked.

“Yes, damn it” he said harshly, hitting the table with his fist, making her wince again l. “It would have made a difference because it would have helped me understand you…. It would have helped me understand where you were coming from and why you wanted what you wanted”

“We don’t have to tell each other everything about our past because we were sleeping together, Julian” she said.

“Is that all it was to you then? Sex?” he asked her.

When she didn’t reply he continued. “I found out today and I was so mad at myself because of the way things turned out. I hurried down here, called you severally and waited for you to come home, so we could talk. So I could let you know that I finally understood. Because I wanted to be there for you and I was worried about how you were taking this whole time…. only to find out that you were already on a date.. With some guy… you are already seeing other people… Getting drunk with him… And even admitting it to me… Ordering me out of your room like I mean nothing to you. ” he paused, the look in his eyes haunting her. “I guess I finally have my answer then… It was just sex for you. That’s why you have no problem whatsoever moving on after just three weeks. But it’s all good now, Red. I know my place in your life now… And I won’t cross those boundaries again.”

Nina was stunned by his admission to how strongly he felt about their relationship. It had meant more to her too obviously. It was never just about the sex and now she was sorry she’d made him think otherwise. And she hated herself for telling him that Leonard was a date. Another bad decision she’d just made. God… When was she going to stop making those?

She reached for him, but he pulled away.

“Julian… listen” she began.

“Don’t…. Just don’t” he said. “I will leave you alone now. Good night Nina.” Then he turned and walked out of the room.

———————–

Nearly one week had passed since that night and still Nina had to struggle to find the strength to get out of bed each morning.

She found out that she couldn’t relax, she was always worried and tired.Contentt bel0ngs to N0ve/lDrâ/ma.O(r)g!

Part of that was because for the first time ever she’d had great difficulty falling asleep. But most of her anxiety could be blamed on her heartache over being apart from Julian.

What little rest she got was fitful-plagued with images of him loving her, his arms open for her return. Him asking her what she wanted. Him walking away from her… Walking out of her life.

What did she want? Did she want Julian? Or did she want her career and reputation more? Dammit, she wanted both. But her fear over one drove her full tilt into pursuing the other. Perhaps that was the reason she’d been having these annoying nightmares.

She had chosen her career. She had done the right thing, But why did it feel like something was missing?

“You’ve put in horribly long hours this past month, especially with getting the account and everything else” Camille said when Nina finally confessed she was worried about her stamina. “I’m concerned with your exhaustion. It’s showing on your face and that won’t do.”